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Tuesday, May 30, 2006

home again after netball training. never wanted to come home. but i dont have the heart to go back hall. everywhere has its cons..but no pros. dont know where to go sometimes.. why couldnt god be fair. why couldnt he make us love people who would love us back so there wont be such great heart pain. near 3 days of bawling like a baby. i told sandy ive never cried so much for sooo long. im so silly. the tears are of joy and sadness at the same time.

after training, the thought of having nth to do and coming home filled me with such an empty feeling.
like my life has no purpose at this point in time. everyone's busy. and my comps screwed and i have no more shows to watch. sigh. when i got home, i sat on the sofa and felt so empty. then this thought just crossed my head- when we were together, no matter how bored i was with him being in camp and all, there was this fulfilling feeling and satisfaction with life. but now, whats there to feel fulfilled about. poof.

i just realised the negative sadaf has resurfaced again. so fatalistic. tsk. she shall disappear for good soon. im very sure once life starts picking up again, things will be fine. i know that.

love is so weird. it never was a game to me. never will be. if yu love someone let him go. and i did. sad thing is that he never came back to me. he went off into someone else's arms all safe and happy. maybe thats why im sad. like im not worthy of that love. there's always that wish that i could turn back time. change what i did was wrong. not have shot my mouth off that fateful day at ps pizza hut. maybe things happen for a reason.

peh was saying how practical guys are. when sth it over, they know its time to go on with their lives and not brood over them. but girls let emotions get in the way. but isnt life just about the emotions we feel? or should it just be about practicality all the time? i wouldnt know.

i cant even cry properly at home cos my dad would see and spout some mean things. sigh.

apart from all this sad emotions, its funny how i went to sleep crying about someone and ended up dreaming a nice dream about someone else. and maybe these other thoughts are the only redeeming factors right now. apart from the fact that sidney and me can be friends now. hehh. yup. and eventhough we can be friends, im trying to keep a safe distance cos i know if i were the other girl, i wouldnt want his ex to be close to him. and its for my own good also la.

i really really hope the indo trip can be funded. i need something to do in my life right now.

time to go spend quality time with the mother. =) i predict tears will flow.


lifted a burden off her shoulders @ 5/30/2006 11:27:00 pm | Put your comment here

Sunday, May 28, 2006

last night. well, let me put it this way, ive not been happier since months but then again, its the saddest ive been since that fateful day in november. im so happy we can be friends now. that things are fine between us. and im even talking to yu right now while tears are streaming down my face, in the midst of writing this. seeing yu move on to someone else makes it so clear to me that there's nth left between us. it always hurts when yu love someone so much and its not reciprocated anymore. and now yu know yu just have to bury that feeling deep down within yu cos its not fair to him and the other person. and i guess im happy and contented just being his friend.

when we spoke, i had the urge to cry. my mouth trembling, tears welling up. but i know yu never liked me crying. i dont want yu to think im weak. i didnt want to spoil a friendship so i held it all back at the moment yu told me about the someone else. because i know ill be happy for yu if it brings yu happiness. i guess thats all i need.

the heart pain comes when yu know how much yu love someone, how deep the love is but yu know that at the same time its the end. that your love will never be felt by the other person. but somehow i dont feel sour about it. really. in fact i still feel happy.

its like the best thing ive got to closure, and even better than expected. ive gained a friend. and i feel happy that in some way he cares i guess. even if it may be as a friend. i feel happy that things dont have to be awkward anymore. that the class can be normal in front of both of us.

i need a day or 2 to cry it all out of my system. i have a life waiting for me. it always seems like a dream when theres anything to do with him. maybe its best to think of it that way. just a dream. reality awaits tmr.

i hope yure really happy with your life and all that yu have right now. just know that yu have a friend out there who would be there anytime yu need.

-its over and done but the heartache lives on inside-


lifted a burden off her shoulders @ 5/28/2006 11:03:00 pm | Put your comment here

Thursday, May 04, 2006

615am and im still awake. waiting to drop rain's sis to sch. and buy macs breakfast. =) life's been good. been staying in hall eversince exams have ended, going out now and then, accompanying grace kuang to study while i watch my shows. all's good. life's really good. things may be missing here and there. but i really am happy. i cant demand more to justify this happiness. somehow, feeling happy with the people in my life right now, i wanna keep my past behind me and people in it. that's bad. but i guess a part of me is afraid to face the past. a part of this past is my present and if i cant face it, it'll be bad.

doing whatever we want at weird times of the day/night. waking sandy up and singing songs loudly at 5 am together. its stupid but fun. coming up with plan 1, 2.2, 2.3 etc..just for one day of going out together. tv lounge studying sessions. then the techno plaza where we pretend to be the smart asses of ntu. =) cooking. just talking. and having lots of fun together. sleeping at 7am after the sun has risen and waking up at 4 pm. giving each other wake up calls. checking up on each other. ensuring we're never lonely. thats what i love about the friends here. really. the listening ears eveready and words of comfort.

'jaffa/jaffar' however yu guys spell it. i hate it. totally. but ive grown used to it. =)

grace, rain, sandy, chengs. ill never tel yu guys this but thanks. for wonderful friendships that have helped me grow. make me feel not very lonely anymore and move on with my life happily. =)


lifted a burden off her shoulders @ 5/04/2006 06:17:00 am | Put your comment here


sadaf. 19. rgs-sajc-ntu business. netball.

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