last night was bad..got a knife pierced through my heart just as i was about to sleep..think your reason for wanting to give things one more shot was selfish..sighh..now my mind cant rest..it just keeps thinking..thinking of how i can make things better and make yu love me as much as i do..i dont wanna give up on this r/s..i really dont..i think we brought ourselves and this r/s to the state it is..we can bring it back out of this low point by making an effort..arfter the prelims or a's though..but we can..if yu just try..a bit..for me..yu know i never believed anyone could love methe way yu did..or at least love me at all..i was insecure about myself..but yu made me realise that i could be worth loving..brought me out of that insecure nature of mine..and made me confident..just when i do start feeling confident,yu're making me feel like someone not worth loving..really..makes me feel i should have stuck to my principals about a lot of things..not entered this game of love..well,im just wishing things can get better..being optimistic but at the same time scared yu may just want out anytime..i wanna feel good about this r/s at least for a while..make me feel good?for the little love yu have for me?now its time to concentrate on prelims..hope i can..i try to hold back my tears..try to tell myself nothing's wrong..and when things just add on one over another, i cant help it..when my dad is so unsupportive of my studies but ends up scolding me,i feel weak coz my mind's on yu and am already not feeling good..gonna tell myself to be strong.. :)
gonna go study noww..dunno where though..hope the library's open..till later..
gonna go study noww..dunno where though..hope the library's open..till later..
lifted a burden off her shoulders @ 8/22/2004 12:10:00 pm | Put your comment here
filled with a whole lot of mixed emotions right now..yup..fruitful day in terms of studying..did quite a bit of econs and i felt really high and crappy today..haha..was talking so much and making siting and lixin laugh like hell..didnt know i could be funny..haha..it must have been the overloading of chocolate..ate like dunno how many ferrero rocher and that chocolate coated jelly bean thingy..haha..yupp..did market structure and elasticities and demand supply..still got mkt failure,cop and labour for micro..and income employment determination and macro problems and policies!!!so much more..i need to finish at least 2/3 by tmr..will go study myself..wish i could see him tmr..having mixed emotions about this whole relationship..its like i love him so so so much..but i have yet to know why he wants to give this r/s one more shot?out of what reason??sighh..and i dont know whether he's willing to make the effort..i believe i am..why cant he love me the way i love him..he doesnt even msg me or call me the whole day..until i call him and he'll sound like irritated that i called him and ill feel like shit afterwards..i dont even tell that to him coz we'll end up arguing..i keep doing stuff for him..buy him things,pay for his stuff,give him sweet stuff,say sweet things and not one of those things he does for me..i just want a bit of effort..words like 'i love yu' or 'i care so much for yu' or just a small compliment also doesnt come out from him..sighh..maybe its just the exam period..i just watched this movie where this couple started out loving each other so much and into the relationship, they got so caught up in their lives they had no time for each other..and they girl talked to the guy about it and he understood and they tried making things better..and all of a sudden she got lukemia..so sadd..and the guy started giving her more attention and showing her he loved her so much..it meant so much to her..its like the guy loved her so much all this while but nvr showed it and took it for granted..sometimes i wish something like that would happen to me..as stupid as that sounds i really do wish that coz maybe..just maybe yu'll shower me with your love and show me yu love me..and then ill feel happy..its like when i went to his house, he was so nice to me,so loving and it felt good,but after he got what he wanted he seemed to be riverting back to his old self though we had fun that day.. and i was quite pissed off that day with the msges i saw on his phone from clarence..the tone of those msges were so..strong..so anti me..sighh..i never was hanging on to every shred of hope..i didnt know he disliked me..and i dont want pity love if thats what he's giving me..and im not disillusioned by love!!i really love him..not sth i perceive!!!bahh..when i talked to others when we broke up..no one gave me those kind of words..they took on a nuetral tone and told me to do whats right and let things move on from there..no one tried to push me away from yu..that was so irritating..nahh..i really hope he loves me..sigh..gonna sleep..long day ahead of me..wanted to go church with him but he never replied my msg..bahh..well nites..here's to a day with my ming heavy with thoughts..
-im still so much in love with yu-
-im still so much in love with yu-
lifted a burden off her shoulders @ 8/21/2004 10:33:00 pm | Put your comment here
oh happy day!haha..really happy today..everything seems good today..got a msg from him in the morn..thought he was joking at first..really..but im so happy!!:) we get to work things out and i hope he'll treasure me and love me the way i do..lalalalala..hehh..yupp..and went for some econs seminar/lecture thingy today..quite useful..saw lotsa pple there..esp from rg..met my 2 classmates there and they were so cute la..one of them was like'wah..your hair is so long now..and yu're slimmer' haha..yayy!i like meeting pple ive never seen since sec sch days..they always have that reaction..makes me feel good..went for lunch with levina..was like so happy so my mood was very light..was laughing the whole way with her about stupid things..like what happened on new year in 2000..we were going home to lev's house from payalebar mrt at like 2plus and there were no busses operating then..so we decided to walk from paya lebar mrt to her house at like serangoon stadium area coz we had no money..it was so freaking far and so dark and scary with big huge trees all around..haha..so we took a cab after like dunno how long of walking and what luck that just when reaching her house the uncle took a wrong turn!!!and the fare exceeded what money we had..haha..we were like digging all our one cent coins to give the uncle and it still wasnt enough..haha..he was so pissed la..then we still had to walk like forever to her house after that..haha..rg days were fun..so anyway when i got back my mummy called me to look through this huge carton of old photo albums coz we had to clear stuff from the flat next door..i was like laughing at all the retarded photos of me as a child..i looked quite ugly at times..for a certain period i had curly hair and i looked quite scary..and she was telling me how guai i was yet mischevious..haha..and that i was the biggest cry baby..haha..she was telling my siblings and i some crazy stories of our childhood that dont even seem to be in any hidden corner of our brain..i saw some photos of myself holding on to cute little boys who were my parents friends kids..haha..maybe my hormones were raging even at that innocent age of like 2..haha..and that signature wide smile on my face..seems like i did have a big mouth even when i was young..haha..and all the photos of my dad when he was skinny and had hair!!hahal..and like family photos with all of us looking happy..i miss that..wish i could just go on and on and on..maybe some other time..wanna go watch tv noww..hehhh..just one more thing..love yu my baby..no matter what anyone may think or say!muacks!:)
lifted a burden off her shoulders @ 8/14/2004 09:48:00 pm | Put your comment here
talked to malcolm last night..he's like a big brother who's always concerned about my welfare..called me today also coz i wasnt in sch..thought i was like so upset over the break up that i just couldnt come sch or sth..another day has passed..didnt go to sch coz i was so dead tired i couldnt open my eyes in the morn..went to his house today to complete my stupid dc work..knew why he didnt want me to go over and i understand but i thought i wont get emotional..when i went there, everything seemed rather familiar, comfortable yet distant and uncomfortable..i was in his room doing my work but he never came in to talk to me whatsoever until much much later..found my precious moments box missing..wonder where he put it..wonder where the pillow i sewed is..and the star thingy i gave him..it was weird..i fell asleep and woke up with him staring at me..at that moment i just wanted him to take me in his arms..what the hell was i htinking..it was never gonna happen anymore..and i did most stupid thing at his house..he kept moving away from me.. :( well i asked for it i guess..and i bet he's irritated at me for calling him so many times..sigh..never meant to..just wanted to know stuff..dun be angry..left his house crying uncontrolably..its just the wonderful memories..took back the book that was supposed to have held those words that mean so much to me..saw that book when i stepped into the room..while typing when he was in the hall, i just picked the book up and read it..i just cried..what did those words mean..just in june when he was in aus with his family he said he realised how much i mean to him and that he loves me so so much and that he'll treasure me and he's sorry for being a jerk..oh god..its so painful looking at that book..why cant things work out?bahh..i really wonder what he feels about those words..ive got to get it into my head that it's over..stop having hope!but i love him so much..argh..just stop it..
well i went to study with a friend today after leaving his house..went to bk at parkway and there was this old man there..quite poor thing but he was weird too..kept going around talking to people and also asking others including me for money to buy like milo or fries coz he got no money..but he seemed nice and spoke well..like an educated man..and in the late evening he'll ask someone for a phone to call his daughter to pick him up and the phone will always be off so he'll go home alone by bus..so sad..my friend said it he is there like everyday from morning till night..think his family like doesnt care about him..well,then went to buy some pore pack for my mum from watsons and saw one pore pack for men..wanted to buy it for him coz he got so many blackheads on his nose..but but but...who am i to do this kind of things for him now?i shouldnt..though i really wanted to..then came home and my mum was telling me her sad story..her stupid boss like had a meeting with her and decided to give my mum half day work from now on coz she claims my mum doesnt seem happy..which means less income also..my mum was so sad..i mean its true she isnt happy but my mum never complains..she just does it..and the first thought that came to her mind was that she'd have less money to give to us(her children) to spend..but its only 300 bucks less mummy no big deal..but she was so sad..and it was so sweet that she first thought of us..she came home and cried like crazy..she said she wanted to call me and cry when she was at work but didnt wanna make a fool out of herself..she said she felt like throwing her resignation papers at her boss but she knows that no matter how little the money she earns, she has to be self sufficient and not dependent on my dad who would just use that as an excuse to scold her..and what more she wouldnt have money to give us knowing how irritated and worked up my dad gets when we ask him for money..speaking of money, lent him 100 bucks..wanted to buyy him the orange jersey from the nike shop at queensway with that money coz i know he really wanted it..but really who am i to do all that now..wanted to also get him this big jigsaw puzzle thingy thats framed up for our 1st year anniversary..ordered it already but dont know what to do with it anymore..sighh..and the money it'll cost..where to get from now?poof..and of no use..i dont mind spending money on him if it makes him happy and its appreciated..but now i cant even give it to him coz if i do, he'll probably scold me for hanging on to the past..bahh bahh bahh..i should be going to sleep now..got some econs seminar thing to go for tmr morn at yio chu kang at 730..so nites pple..
well i went to study with a friend today after leaving his house..went to bk at parkway and there was this old man there..quite poor thing but he was weird too..kept going around talking to people and also asking others including me for money to buy like milo or fries coz he got no money..but he seemed nice and spoke well..like an educated man..and in the late evening he'll ask someone for a phone to call his daughter to pick him up and the phone will always be off so he'll go home alone by bus..so sad..my friend said it he is there like everyday from morning till night..think his family like doesnt care about him..well,then went to buy some pore pack for my mum from watsons and saw one pore pack for men..wanted to buy it for him coz he got so many blackheads on his nose..but but but...who am i to do this kind of things for him now?i shouldnt..though i really wanted to..then came home and my mum was telling me her sad story..her stupid boss like had a meeting with her and decided to give my mum half day work from now on coz she claims my mum doesnt seem happy..which means less income also..my mum was so sad..i mean its true she isnt happy but my mum never complains..she just does it..and the first thought that came to her mind was that she'd have less money to give to us(her children) to spend..but its only 300 bucks less mummy no big deal..but she was so sad..and it was so sweet that she first thought of us..she came home and cried like crazy..she said she wanted to call me and cry when she was at work but didnt wanna make a fool out of herself..she said she felt like throwing her resignation papers at her boss but she knows that no matter how little the money she earns, she has to be self sufficient and not dependent on my dad who would just use that as an excuse to scold her..and what more she wouldnt have money to give us knowing how irritated and worked up my dad gets when we ask him for money..speaking of money, lent him 100 bucks..wanted to buyy him the orange jersey from the nike shop at queensway with that money coz i know he really wanted it..but really who am i to do all that now..wanted to also get him this big jigsaw puzzle thingy thats framed up for our 1st year anniversary..ordered it already but dont know what to do with it anymore..sighh..and the money it'll cost..where to get from now?poof..and of no use..i dont mind spending money on him if it makes him happy and its appreciated..but now i cant even give it to him coz if i do, he'll probably scold me for hanging on to the past..bahh bahh bahh..i should be going to sleep now..got some econs seminar thing to go for tmr morn at yio chu kang at 730..so nites pple..
lifted a burden off her shoulders @ 8/13/2004 10:59:00 pm | Put your comment here
and now yu come and spoil all my happiness..rahh..just wanting to do my work at your house yu dodo..and yu just blatantly say no??what for?there sure s a reason..its like yu're just pushing me away..are friends supposed to do that to each other?hmm..i really dunno..never knew why yu did things..can never figure the reasons..never figured yu out..its a bit irritating..bahh..ill cool down..and then yu say i can come after all i said..seems like i forced yu to say yess..and makes me seem thickskinned..im not!!i just wanna do my work..yu never like facing pple when they say things to your face..like when i said yu obviously had some reason for not wanting me over..yu've gotta go change that attitude yu know..coz it'll just end up causing problems with whoever yu're with..really..mi supposed to cool down..okay..so i didnt go sch today..couldnt even open my eyes in the morn..gonna go study once im done with the com work later..but dunno where to go yet..will think bout it ..laterss..
lifted a burden off her shoulders @ 8/13/2004 11:53:00 am | Put your comment here
yu know its rather strange..when i saw yu playing with the guys and yu got all sweatyand was standing in front of the air con,i just wished i could go over and wipe the sweat off yu like i always do..i keep looking at yu..and when i do, this certain sadness overcomes me in a way coz i cant do anything..i cant touch your face(well, at least yu wont have so many pimples anymore..hehh), i cant even kiss yu..nothing..trying to hold on to memories is painful..i dont want yu to be my past..but i cant do anything about it..its lke everything lies in your hands..but im trying to be contented for now no matter how sad i am..and going on with this hope that maybe, just maybe yu'll want me back someday..i just feel a kind of emptiness inside me right now..i wonder what yu feel now..whether yuve gotten over this..whether yu miss me..whether yu love me..whether yu miss all those wonderful times we've spent together,..sigh..im not supposed to hold myself back..i wont..did yu see me as a burden?and now that im out of your life, are sighing in relief for yu feel like your burden's been lightened?i really hope not..i really miss yu so much..ive got to stop this!stop thinking this way..im just telling my self it'll be over soon..yu know when my brother was crying to me about his problem with his girlfriend on sun, it just seemed all so familiar..and at that time i was trying to come to terms with our break up..he was bawling to me about his girlfriend..they almost broke up..i was sitting there trying to control myself and just be there for my brother but it was uncontrollable and i just broke down..the only diff between us and my bro's r/s is that they made up in the end coz they still loved each other so much..and i was jealous..jealous that he could be happy once again in the r/s while i dont get a chance..but that was sunday..and i know nothing i say would shake yu..im not manipulative enough, cunning enough to know the traits to emotionally blackmail a person..
well anyways, i havent done my studies until now..and ive no appetite to eat..hmm..im having war against my stupid uncle..well i didnt want to..he told me never to talk to him..so good la..avoid conflict..big deal..im not dying to talk to him..cant exactly stnad him..decided all of a sudden to become super holy and comes around imposing his views on others..seriously,get a life..i have a mind of my own..stupid shit..the only thing im scared about is that because he's at war with me and my dad, he wont bother about finding a house to shit to..shit..i really wanna get away from this house..it suffocates me..my mum hates it here too..and so does my bro..then i can have my own room..like finally..after like 18 yrs of sharing room with my sis..but well my sis is going off to study soon so ill get this room to myself for a while before we shit anyways.. :) i just cant wait to shift!!hahah..just something im always looking forward to along with the fact that maybe things can get better with the both of us..hehh..just cant get the thought of yu out of my head for long..feel like telling yu how much i love yu but ill control myself..wonder how much yu love me..i wonder what yu saw in me recently that yu didnt see when yu started liking..can i still have my botanical garden picnic??i want my botanical picnic!!
well,i should be getting down to my studies but im so so so tired..i need to start staying away from the house to be able to do constructive work..maybe stay in sch up till 8 everyday to do work..actually i wanna stay in sch longer but have to find pple to stay back with me..okay sadaf..i must study i must study i must study i must study i must study i must study..haha..its like chanting..reminds me of another place..stupid boey and his stupid book..alrighty..miss yu pig!
well anyways, i havent done my studies until now..and ive no appetite to eat..hmm..im having war against my stupid uncle..well i didnt want to..he told me never to talk to him..so good la..avoid conflict..big deal..im not dying to talk to him..cant exactly stnad him..decided all of a sudden to become super holy and comes around imposing his views on others..seriously,get a life..i have a mind of my own..stupid shit..the only thing im scared about is that because he's at war with me and my dad, he wont bother about finding a house to shit to..shit..i really wanna get away from this house..it suffocates me..my mum hates it here too..and so does my bro..then i can have my own room..like finally..after like 18 yrs of sharing room with my sis..but well my sis is going off to study soon so ill get this room to myself for a while before we shit anyways.. :) i just cant wait to shift!!hahah..just something im always looking forward to along with the fact that maybe things can get better with the both of us..hehh..just cant get the thought of yu out of my head for long..feel like telling yu how much i love yu but ill control myself..wonder how much yu love me..i wonder what yu saw in me recently that yu didnt see when yu started liking..can i still have my botanical garden picnic??i want my botanical picnic!!
well,i should be getting down to my studies but im so so so tired..i need to start staying away from the house to be able to do constructive work..maybe stay in sch up till 8 everyday to do work..actually i wanna stay in sch longer but have to find pple to stay back with me..okay sadaf..i must study i must study i must study i must study i must study i must study..haha..its like chanting..reminds me of another place..stupid boey and his stupid book..alrighty..miss yu pig!
lifted a burden off her shoulders @ 8/12/2004 07:25:00 pm | Put your comment here
a rather happy day i must say..or rather it ended on a high note,though i wished the note could have been higher..got to have a rather nice talk with yu on the way back..it was nice..i wanted to give yu a hug when we parted but i controlled myself coz yu probably wouldnt have liked me to do that..i just wonder why yu exactly seem very nice to me in sch..like avoiding me in a way..yea..and yu never came talk to me..i always had to go to yu..nvm..its just the first day..we'll see..i was really happy on the bus though.. :) i just felt a bit out of place in class..felt left out in a certain way..im just grateful to some class pple who were there for me..shena,troy,faith,nat,ben,peter,xiu, siting,lev, betty and pei ying..thanks pple..helped me a bit..the talks i had with ben yest and peter today did help..didnt know i could talk to peter like that..but it felt good though..i didnt cry when i saw yu.. :) but last night was quite bad..tears just kept flowing..hmm..yu said yu'll be my good friend and be there for me..i wanna be more than friends..do yu still love me and care?like ive always said maybe a r/s is really not the thing for us now or maybe never..but we could always have a diff kind of r/s..well..im just happy today..sch was crap..not much on..was basically a history day..coz other teachers never came..i really need to focus on my studies..will go take a nap first for now..too lazy to type on..im gonna fall ill soon..feel my whole body is strained..and im feeling weak..well, till later!hope yu are studying hard! :)
lifted a burden off her shoulders @ 8/12/2004 04:31:00 pm | Put your comment here
and so..everything ends..a big part of me is lost..its so hard to even face yu in sch..just looking at yu being all happy with everyone else,even to the most disgusting of pple..and yet,yu dont say a word to me..words that just may help me tide through this..but yu just kinda ignore me..i wanna talk to yu but im scared..i really do hope we can be friends but how do i change they way i see yu..the way i feel for yu..the way i act around yu??even though we arent together anymore, i cant just change my feelings for yu..it aint gonna happen anytime soon..so how do i talk to yu?i cant play with your hair anymore, lean on yu, hold your hand, hug yu..i still think of yu in everything i do..ive not even complained about they way yuve treated me after this has ended, all i asked for was an apology, but yu never even said those words..yu never even bothered when i was ill..all yu could say was that i always bring things upon myself..maybe we're really not meant to be together for all that ive had to put up with and for all that yuve never done done for me..but that doesnt matter to me..yu'll never know what im going through..on top of this i have to face other problems which to yu, yu see as things i brood over for no rhyme or reason..try having your uncle scream at yu in public for a mere phone call just because he hates yu..yu'll never experience that..yu never know how much ive been scolded because of yu..how much ive fought with them for yu..but for what?nth..sometimes i want yu to know these things..but of what use is that going to be?i still have questions in my mind..but when i ask yu certain things yu never reply..sighh..but ive decided to get over this however long it may take me..it wont change my feelings for yu but ill be your friend..i wish we could be more than that ut its not up to me..its not a thought ill keep..i just hope ill still get to spend time with yu and enjoy ourselves more than fighting like we used to..wish i could still look out for yu the way i did..i have yet to figure what about me do yu see yourself not wanting to spend your future with..i need to know..i want to know..i still love yu..
lifted a burden off her shoulders @ 8/11/2004 07:27:00 pm | Put your comment here
it's the first post..haha..this computer illiterate has decided to venture into blogging..wonder how it'll go.. :) and i shouldnt even be bloging at this point in time considering the prelims are freaking close..well, just need an avenue to let things out other than going to friends..it's been a very emotionally taxing weekend..how i wish things could change..yu'll never know how i feel for yu..how much yu mean to me..even telling yu this doesnt shake yu..ive lost yu..yure so far out of reach now that nothing can bring yu back to me,to make yu love me the way yu did..those dreams in my mind-of yu and i-..i want to do so many things with yu but will never be able to..our little botanical garden picnic?going cycling together?going to the telok kurau park?going on a holiday together?everywhere i went to get yu out of my mind,my system failed miserably..everyplace reminded me of yu..suntec macs-does that ring a bell?those blue roses from the florist above?marche at suntecs?the viewing gallery at the airport?the breakfast with your family at bk?have yu forgotten the wonderful memories of us together??it hurts so bad..if only yu'd care more..i wish i could make yu care more but just doesnt work that way..i cant imagine life without yu now..i had plans for us..they'll never go through..i cant even blame myself for making the decision i made and i cant regret it coz even if i didnt make the decision i made, yu would have delivered it to me in due time, and between that time and now, ill just be in pain..but knowing now what the problem is..im gonna try..try to rekindle the love for me..be accomodative and compromise on my values..as i say all this, tears are streaming down un controlably..it hurts..and what great timing for this to happen..or more like why is it happening at all?where did we go wrong?where did i go wrong?yu were so blunt that those tears just kept flowing..yu were so mean for some time and i felt angry and sad but compromised in the end..ive sacrificed so much..why then do yu still not love me?yu leave a vaccuum in my heart..a lpace no one would be able to fill for a long time.
lifted a burden off her shoulders @ 8/08/2004 08:01:00 pm | Put your comment here
