i miss him..but he doesnt seem to bother..i cant seem to go on without him by my side..theres no drive,no insipration,no motivation..he's been my drive all this while..in everything i do..eventhough he's supposed to be here,he's not..i dont understand why..sighh..but if he's happiness is not in me why should i stop him..i dunno..i just dont understand why he wants out..andi cant go to anyone anymore..i feel down and out..down in the dumps..yu know,i cant never match that mean things he said to that face of his..sighh..was looking back on the past year..the things we did together..studying at marine parade library..suntec..the blue rose..his birthday..hyatt..the candles lit,which i still keep..my birthday..hard rock..v day..the big fat piglet..the basic things like a smile..and the comforting hug..the blue roses just 2 weeks back..the trip to the zoo..what i remember the most..him saying i was his incentive to get promoted last year..i was his drive..just that way,he's my drive now..i hope he sees that..he's out enjoying himself with everyone,classmates etc..has he ever thought of me..what i mayy be doing..what state im in..someone said to me im like the epitome of a good gf..right..if he could see that..he's stolen my happiness..give it back..
yu know i cant smile without yu,i cant smile without yu..
i cant laugh and i cant sing..im finding it hard to do anything..
yu see i feel sad when yure sad,i feel glad when yure glad,
and if yu knew what im going through,
i just cant smile without yu..
yu know i cant smile without yu,i cant smile without yu..
i cant laugh and i cant sing..im finding it hard to do anything..
yu see i feel sad when yure sad,i feel glad when yure glad,
and if yu knew what im going through,
i just cant smile without yu..
lifted a burden off her shoulders @ 10/20/2004 02:56:00 pm | Put your comment here
life's so sickening..urghh..ive got a screwed up r/s,a screwed up family who instead of giving me support always makes things worse for me..like my dad..bahh..yesterday, he kept going on and on about MY BF..right..what bf..which bf..theres actually a bf?great..he was just rubbing a whole kg of salt on my wound..and my mum says why bother over a guy who has always made me cry..but she just doesnt see it..yes,i admit he's made me cry like hell all the time but he's also made me happy..and i know i must let go..i just want it to be at a time when i dont have to see him anymore..not for long..yup..
on a lighter note or rather another note, i went for the aussie uni open day thingy..i really wanna go either anu or uni of sydney for econs..and i really wanna leave singapore la..but my dad says no money..he can send my damn sis overseas but not me..bahh..i dont wanna stay here and suffocate myself to death..life over there seems more appealing to me..the people, the environment, the lack of him..not that the lack of him is appealing..dont get me wrong..just that him not being there and not close will help me get over him and move on..
and im actually considering being an air stewardess for a while..haha..venturing out ..seeking some different kind of experience..and ill get to see the world..hmm..not bad eh..and shopping..haha..well, i better go hit my books now to make up for what i havent done..
something else is bothering me real bad..and it sucks for everything to topple at once..well..till the next complaining session..
on a lighter note or rather another note, i went for the aussie uni open day thingy..i really wanna go either anu or uni of sydney for econs..and i really wanna leave singapore la..but my dad says no money..he can send my damn sis overseas but not me..bahh..i dont wanna stay here and suffocate myself to death..life over there seems more appealing to me..the people, the environment, the lack of him..not that the lack of him is appealing..dont get me wrong..just that him not being there and not close will help me get over him and move on..
and im actually considering being an air stewardess for a while..haha..venturing out ..seeking some different kind of experience..and ill get to see the world..hmm..not bad eh..and shopping..haha..well, i better go hit my books now to make up for what i havent done..
something else is bothering me real bad..and it sucks for everything to topple at once..well..till the next complaining session..
lifted a burden off her shoulders @ 10/16/2004 09:12:00 pm | Put your comment here
i was wrong to do what i did..and im sorry..honestly,genuinely sorry..i guess i have to accept the outcome of this and learn to let go..its hard..it really is hard..but sometimes things dont go your way and i guess i have to accept it..i just realised that what i did proved so many of his points..i was really giving him no choice and trying to move this whole situation towards one direction..i shouldnt do that..it was selfish and i didnt look at what he wanted,or rather doesnt want..i hope things go well from here..i cant concentrate on my work yet..i hope ill get my life back on track soon..i need to get away from things after the a's..i tried talking to my mum about going overseas to pursue my studies coz i really wanna be independent,do things myself,not rely on others and start anew..i need to get away from here..from him..just the fact that he's near yet far..yup..i hope my dad will agree to it..yup..ill miss him lots..thats for sure but i cant have somethings that not mine or doesnt want me..
hey..if yure reading this..im sorry..i am..like i said in my msg..i realised that this cant just go my way..if your happiness lies in ending this r/s,ill respect it..and hey,probably it'll be better for me..as in i may just find someone more suited for me..and like i said last night..when we do go our separate ways, i wont be able to see yu for a while in order to help me get over this..thats why i'd prefer ending everything once we dont have to meet anymore, when our paths wont cross for long..what to do..yu're my first..and i was so naive about how r/s work..i thought that no matter what i do or how bad we argue things will be fine in the end..i was wrong..i never saw the possibility of this r/s ending as so real..but it is..it's so real that it's staring me straight in the eye,waiting to eat into me bit by bit..but hey,hopefully this is just will not last long..we'll be friends k..ill still be here for, looking out for yu as a friend..it kinda feels like things are over already..bahh..well,take care my dear.. :)
hey..if yure reading this..im sorry..i am..like i said in my msg..i realised that this cant just go my way..if your happiness lies in ending this r/s,ill respect it..and hey,probably it'll be better for me..as in i may just find someone more suited for me..and like i said last night..when we do go our separate ways, i wont be able to see yu for a while in order to help me get over this..thats why i'd prefer ending everything once we dont have to meet anymore, when our paths wont cross for long..what to do..yu're my first..and i was so naive about how r/s work..i thought that no matter what i do or how bad we argue things will be fine in the end..i was wrong..i never saw the possibility of this r/s ending as so real..but it is..it's so real that it's staring me straight in the eye,waiting to eat into me bit by bit..but hey,hopefully this is just will not last long..we'll be friends k..ill still be here for, looking out for yu as a friend..it kinda feels like things are over already..bahh..well,take care my dear.. :)
lifted a burden off her shoulders @ 10/14/2004 06:41:00 pm | Put your comment here
everybody's got something they had to leave behind
one regret from yestreday that just seems to grow with time
there's no use looking back or wondering how it could been now or might have been
oh this i know but still i cant find ways to let yu go
i've never had a dream come true
till the day that i found yu
eventhough i pretend that ive moved on
yu'll always be my baby
i never found the words to say yu're the one i think about each day
and i know no matter where life takes me to
a part of me will always be with yu
somewhere in my memory
i've lost all sense of time
and so my road can never be cause yesterday is all that fills my mind
there's no use looking back or wondering
how it could be now or might have been
oh this i know but still i cant find ways to let yu go
yu'll always be the dream that fills my head
yu'll always be the one i know i'll never forget
there's no use looking back or wondering because love is a strange and funny thing
no matter how i try and try i just cant say goodbye
-i guess this is sums up what i feel and i dont wanna have this feeling a few years down the road..i know one day this r/s probably must come to an end..but why now?i still love yu so much..please give this a chance..the r/s will be different..thats something i can vouch by..please..
one regret from yestreday that just seems to grow with time
there's no use looking back or wondering how it could been now or might have been
oh this i know but still i cant find ways to let yu go
i've never had a dream come true
till the day that i found yu
eventhough i pretend that ive moved on
yu'll always be my baby
i never found the words to say yu're the one i think about each day
and i know no matter where life takes me to
a part of me will always be with yu
somewhere in my memory
i've lost all sense of time
and so my road can never be cause yesterday is all that fills my mind
there's no use looking back or wondering
how it could be now or might have been
oh this i know but still i cant find ways to let yu go
yu'll always be the dream that fills my head
yu'll always be the one i know i'll never forget
there's no use looking back or wondering because love is a strange and funny thing
no matter how i try and try i just cant say goodbye
-i guess this is sums up what i feel and i dont wanna have this feeling a few years down the road..i know one day this r/s probably must come to an end..but why now?i still love yu so much..please give this a chance..the r/s will be different..thats something i can vouch by..please..
lifted a burden off her shoulders @ 10/12/2004 05:17:00 pm | Put your comment here
today was farewell assembly..how very apt..it really felt like a farewell to him..what more with the way he doesnt bother about me..sighh..it was a horrible day!!!just teared almost the whole way coz i couldnt see him be happy with everyone when he doesnt seem to acknowledge my presence or talk to me..it sucked..like siting said outside the hall..she was like seeing a total contrast in our feelings-me crying away while he was behind me laughing away with everyone..i couldnt be bothered one bit with farewell..it seemed like the least important thing on my mind..nothing seemed right..i try not to show my sadness but it just surfaces..oh godd..what did farewell mean?nothing,nill,zero..poof..this 2 years just ended so badly..no apologies, no nothing..i remember i once asked him whether this relationship is just like a high school r/s which will be over when sch's done and just kept as a memoryy..and he said no..but heyy,look what's happening now..for all the effort i put into the r/s..for all the faith i had in this..the faith i had in him and our love..he means the world to me..and if he goes,my world goes..i dont want to lose him like this..not over something i feel can be worked out, unless these are just excuses..sometimes i wished i never did got involved with him..i still remember when i began liking him..so?i never did anything about it and i was fine..i was happy with him just as a friend..but him approaching me about it made this 'like' develop into something more..i never thought i could have him but having him now,i just dont want to give him up..i dont want to give up something so close to my heart..but if he doesnt love me what can i do??i wish he did love me..its just so apinful now..everytime it comes to mind i tear..is he even thinking about me noww?does he care what im going through?i wish he did bother..and i dont know if i should even go for the trip anymore..my heart will just ache..being with him right now and knowing this plus the way he's acting towards me makes it seem like we're not together..didnt i say that i just wanna be happy with him now?didnt he agree?then why act this way?always pulling himself away..it makes me feel rotten..like im not good enough..that im lousy..i put up with every mean thing he has said about me these past 2-3 days..im irritating,im stupid,im weak,i need to grow up..the sarcasm..everything..i just took it with a pinch of salt..my pride,my self esteem is all gone..but it doesnt matter..its true that just love cant keep two people in a relationship..but the other aspects have to be worked on..he said it was about compromise,accepting each other's flaws..because if yu love a person,yu'll tolerate all this..and if they are unresolved matters,they can be talked out..mann..i miss him so so much..i wish he misses me too..i wish this r/s could go on..maybe our paths in life may differ in the future but cant we just be happy and enjoy ourselves at this stage?i want to do all these with him..maybe this is just a bit too much hope im giving myself..but hey,if he tells me that he wants to work things out after the a's and see where this goes,ill be the happiest person right now and ill do my studies with no worries..i just dont know..i feel bad having to drag some of my friends into this too..thanks pple..
lifted a burden off her shoulders @ 10/12/2004 04:54:00 pm | Put your comment here
i miss him so badd..the past three days have been getting from bad to worse..god..i want things to go back to what they were..dont be cold and mean to me anymore..not now at least..do that all yu want after the a's..just not noww..im trying to cope and its so hard..i cried countless times today..tears just kept flowing..i tried not to show i was upset but it just showed..and when anyone asked me i just broke down..seeing all the class couples being all happy today,i was envious..it made me miss him moree..i kept wanting to dash out of the place..it sucked..all i want is to be happy with yu for now..i just realised that whatever he felt he never told me..maybe things could get better..it's not just about our nature's conflicting..talking things out works..but i dont know how to tell him that..if onlyy....sighh...and yu just seem to be ignoring me nowadays..whyy?every minute is hard..if yu could fake being happy with me allthis while..cant yu do it for a while longer?though i wish yu wouldnt fake it..i took out his picture from my wallet and looking at his face was heart breaking..these days are gonna be emotionally taxing if yu continue to be cold towards me..i feel sad i dont know whats happening in your life anymore..whyy??i miss yu..i really do..dont think im foolish..
lifted a burden off her shoulders @ 10/11/2004 09:59:00 pm | Put your comment here
and so my day out today has ended so early..what can i say..it was enjoyable..did sth i wouldnt normally do with him..wanted to spend more time together..but oh wel,i cantcontrol that..thanks for the flowers..there were really pretty..too bad yu didnt give me sth i can keep forever to remember this day..and ive come to realise this-never expect anything coz most of the time yu'll always be let down..its silly, but its due to the stupid expectations set..bahh..was i stupid or what..anyways as i was saying,the day went fairly well..save for a few things..which shall not be mentioned..ill have to drag my ass out of bed early tmr to go to sch..finally..after a week of absence..i regret not going to sch today..badbad choice..thought that going out today would take up the whole day..but it didnt..should have gone to sch first..bahh..now just have to concentrate on my studies..block out every other thought that bothers me which yu fail to ease me of..suddenly i feel like crying..this sudden urge has just overwhelmed me so greatly and its just hard to put down in words why..im plagued with so many disturbing thoughts..is it fair that my feelings arent exactly reciprocated?i dont know..it really seems unfair now..ive always accepted that but now i begin questioning this..this is badd..i must stop..if only.....
lifted a burden off her shoulders @ 10/06/2004 06:40:00 pm | Put your comment here
pheww..finally hope..been such a looong day..went to clean up te new house so as to be able to move in tmr..it was one tiresome chore..literally went down on all fours to brush the living and dining area and the porch..not forgetting the kitchen..but somehow it didnt feel like a great big chore and i didnt feel lazy about doing it..in fact i was a bit enthusiatic about it..came home for a while in the day and went back at 7 plus to go unpack the clothes into cupboards..didnt actually realise i had so many clothes..my god..but i always end up wearing the same things again and again..maybe coz those are the ones i look best in..hehh..decided that i should vary my dressing style every now and then and mix and match my clothes when i can..my stuff is all there now so ive got no books to study with yett..bahh..hopefully everything will get settled tmr..i seriously need to concentrate on my studies..a levels a levels a levels..bahh..
hmm..he just msged me once today and said he cant talk to me coz he got church thingy..is that all yu can really say?i was a bit disappointed..he makes it sound like a routine he doesnt like doing..or maybe its just my oversensitivity,ONCE AGAIN..and yu dont even bother to return my calls..thats plain rude..i shant brood over this..just let it out and move along coz there's no point since yu probably wont see my point..im just gonna be or pretend to be happy..i mean im happy being with him and i want to be with him but certain things do make me a bit unhappy or rather insecure..
well well,gonna be a looong day tmr too..have to move the bulky furniture tmr..and i probably have to help my dad and uncle..betty!i want yu to come and stayover at my house one day!!then we can study together and have fun too!haha..im tired..so nighty.. :)
psst - i still love yu..heh..
hmm..he just msged me once today and said he cant talk to me coz he got church thingy..is that all yu can really say?i was a bit disappointed..he makes it sound like a routine he doesnt like doing..or maybe its just my oversensitivity,ONCE AGAIN..and yu dont even bother to return my calls..thats plain rude..i shant brood over this..just let it out and move along coz there's no point since yu probably wont see my point..im just gonna be or pretend to be happy..i mean im happy being with him and i want to be with him but certain things do make me a bit unhappy or rather insecure..
well well,gonna be a looong day tmr too..have to move the bulky furniture tmr..and i probably have to help my dad and uncle..betty!i want yu to come and stayover at my house one day!!then we can study together and have fun too!haha..im tired..so nighty.. :)
psst - i still love yu..heh..
lifted a burden off her shoulders @ 10/03/2004 01:37:00 am | Put your comment here
